I haven’t been feeling like myself for a little while and I hadn’t really noticed until I flicked back to look at my october journal spread. There’s nothing wrong with it, exactly, and I like all the elements I’ve used, but nothing quite fits. It looks like I didn’t know what I felt, and I don’t think I did.
October was kind of up and down for me – I had some really great days with people that I love alongside some rockier health moments, and a constant worry about work. I left my full-time job back in July because of an m.e. flare-up (more on that in a different post; I’ve got to do some more ~sitting with my feelings~ about it first) and I’ve recently been doing some part-time temping work to pay the bills. I keep wanting my health to be somewhere it isn’t, and I’ve been trying to balance that with trying to keep working for, you know, money. (Capitalism!!! *shakes fist*) I keep seeing full-time positions open for applications that I think I’d like and knowing that I couldn’t physically do them. I’ve been physically struggling with part-time work, and the reality of that struggle has been getting to me.
But. I’ve wanted to try freelance working for a while now and I finally have the opportunity. I am looking after my body and my mind. I’m not wearing myself out every day in a job that never felt like me; I’m writing more; I’m getting better, even if I can’t see it every single day.
I think that’s why I’ve been sort of absent here. I keep talking myself out of posting, and I think it’s because I have this idea that everything I put up needs to be polished, or perfect. But it doesn’t! It just has to be.
So that’s what I’m taking into November. Stop trying to be perfect, self! Just start letting yourself try.
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